Peers Are the First, Schools Are the Second,
and Parents Are the Last to Know
Who knows about cyberbullying before anyone else? The students.
Sometimes they know it before the victim does. Mean Girl cyberbullies need the
help of bystanders for their cyberbullying tactics to work. They need them to
vote on the poll for the ugliest, fattest, and most unpopular students. They
need them to spread the rumors and IMs. They need them to post nasty comments
on the victim’s profile. They need them to pass around the embarrassing images.
They need their admiration and attention, and they need to show everyone that
others will let them get away with their cyberbullying antics.
Sometimes the victim hasn’t yet seen the profiles, heard the rumors, or
viewed the pictures when others have. The faster any cyberbullying posts and
activities can be discovered and reported, the more successful the shutdown is.
By waiting for the victim to encounter the attacks and work up the courage to
tell someone, precious time is wasted—time that permits the cyberbullying
campaign to spread beyond containment.
If the school has an anonymous tipline, cyberbullying can be reported by
students who encounter it, without worrying about being identified as the one
who reported it. The advance knowledge of the students, when coupled with
awareness of the importance of early reporting, can make all the difference in
the world. Find ways to get the students involved and empower them to help
create systems to prevent and address cyberbullying once it starts. Convince
them of the dangers of cyberbullying and how much it hurts. Teach them to use
more care when communicating with others and to take the time to apologize if
they hurt the feelings of others.
The StopCyberbullying Pledge has been very successful
in getting students to care and to take a stand against cyberbullying. Get them motivated first, then get
them involved in helping frame approaches and systems. Listen to them
carefully. This is something they know better than anyone. While they may not
have all the answers, they have some, and need you to work with them to provide
the rest.
Parents are the last to know and, if the victim has their way, will
never know. Remember this before you make the call to the parents. While you
may not have a choice (or even if you do, getting parents involved may be the
right and only choice), talk with the victim about their concerns and help
address them while you are reaching out to their parents. Warn the parents
about their child’s concerns and how telling is hard for them. Remind the
parents that the right first move is to give their child a hug and tell them
how sorry they are that this has happened and that they promise not to make
things worse. Make sure the student is consulted on what they think is the
right approach and their worries. Then address the cyberbullying, always
keeping the student’s safety and feelings involved.
We must convince parents to promise their children in advance that if
they are cyberbullied they will not punish the child or overreact. Spend some
time teaching the parents what to do and how to address the issues. Help them
prepare. The better prepared they are and the better they can convey that to
their kids, the more likely it is that their children will trust them.
Even then, though, some things are too hard or too embarrassing to share
with their parents. Read Debbie Johnston’s story
about her son, Jeff. Jeff’s bully
(who bullied him online and offline) told everyone Jeff was gay. (Not that it
should make any difference, but he apparently wasn’t.) Jeff could never have
confided this to his mother, no matter how close they were. (His mom is an incredible woman, but he didn't want anyone to know about the false rumors.)
Students need to
know where they can turn when embarrassing information, true or false, is being
disseminated. A school guidance counselor can help here by letting students
know where they can come for help, without fearing that embarrassing
information will taint them or get out. Reaching out to well-regarded charities
and community organizations can be helpful here. Ask them how to make their
expertise available to students. Turn to them for help if something special
that falls under their expertise arises. Create a relationship so you can move
quickly if the need arises later.
Planning is key to helping meet students’ needs here and to potentially
save a student’s life.
